The Beauty of Womanhood April 14, 2010

     Every day or every other day, as my son strips down to nothing and climbs up onto the toilet to drop a duece, I’m faced with the reality that he just doesn’t get enough fiber in his diet.  There are complaints of a belly that hurts and whines and wimpers that come from that bathroom as my poor 3 yr old tries to pass, what can best be described as, a turd the size of a grown man’s arm!  Last night was more of the same.  Jason and I had just finally tucked Thaylin into bed and settled in on the couch when we hear from upstairs, “Daaaaaaadddy, I need you.”  Rarely does T get out of bed after the lights have been turned out and the door shut, so we knew he really did need something.  And as Jason got to the top of the steps, I hear, “Daddy, I need you to help me, I have to go poop.”  Thank you Lord for getting me out of hand holding, stink butt smelling, deep breath advising, Poop Duty this time!

     But oh how Karma is a nasty little bitch.  About an hour and a half later Jason and I go to bed.  I get all snuggled up in my bed and remember that Aunt Flo is in town and that she needs her bedding changed before retiring for the night.  So off to the bathroom I go to take care of my girly business.  I flush the toilet when I’m done…..FAIL.  Great, the Poop machine has clogged the toilet with his elephant sized turds.  Now, here I am with a clogged toilet (about to overflow) and Jason is snuggled all warmly in bed.  But I’m not calling him to help, no way, because even after 10 yrs of togetherness and almost 4 yrs of marriage, I AM NOT asking my husband to come plunge a toilet that MAY or may not have a USED tampon floating around in it, mocking me for giving my kid too many fruit snacks and not enough raisins. 

     So I plunge, and I plunge and plunge and plunge.  NOTHING happens (well, other than me splashing toilet water all over the floor).  I try to remain calm while I chase the aforementioned tampon around the toiled with the magical blue plunger in hopes that a miracle will happen and all contents of the overflowing toilet will somehow magically go down the drain.  NO such luck.  I give up and head back to bed (hoping nobody has to use the bathroom in the middle of the night).  This is not something I’m going to let keep me from getting my beauty sleep.

     As I climb into bed I hear (mumbled from the other side)”you ok?”.  Sure, I’m fine, why?  Well, I heard a lot of noise in the bathroom and there was a lot of splashing and stuff and I wasn’t sure if those were normal period sounds or what was going on.  Normal period sounds?  REALLY?  Did you just say PERIOD sounds?  Ugh, never mind, I’m fine, everything’s great, go to sleep.

     The best part of this?  While I’m trying to get rid of the tampon that just won’t flush, I’m struck with the thought of a dear friend who is currently struggling to figure out how to tell your beautiful 10 yr old daughter about puberty and getting her period.  And I laugh as I picture Heather in this very predicament (because this IS a HP predicament if ever there was one) while trying to explain to her princess about all the changes her body is about to go through.  Good luck, sister; I’m done with all of this nonesense.  Who wants my uterus?!?!?

Crampy and craving from Mandyland,

The Queen

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Opening Day for the Man-Hunters March 27, 2010

For being married to a man that is neither in the military nor an outdoors man/hunter, there is A LOT of camouflage apparel and accessories (?) in this house.  Jason is not a redneck, but he dresses like one on the weekends.  I will never understand his Airsoft obsession hobby.  We, because I’m a sucker too,  have spent hundreds of dollars on a hobby that is, simply, adults (?) with (expensive) BB guns running around the woods trying to shoot each other.  Now, I know there is more to it than that; however, there is no part of it that I am even remotely interested in.  I do not care how many feet per second your gun shoots (or your friends’, your brother’s, OR your co-workers guns).  I am not even listening when you start rambling on about Gun A’s thingamajig versus Gun B’s flux capacitor.   And I’m most definitely not interested in participating in such nonsense.  It’s great that the girlfriends and wives of some of the guys play too.  Good for them.

Remember, gentle readers, The Beard was grown in protest of winter and the end of Airsoft for a few months.  He takes it seriously, and he has been keeping himself busy all winter by upgrading his equipment and redesigning his outfit.

Finally, on March 20th, Opening Day 2010 arrives.  Spencer drives up the night before and the instant he walks through the door, my house starts to buzz with anticipation of this, the Holiest of days.  Saturday morning brings sunshine and the promise of a beautiful day for playing.  They filled up on the warrior size breakfast I made them, and greet the boys that have driven from York that morning to play in their group.  Now, if you’re keeping count that’s 4 men, between the ages of 18-35 gearing up for a simulated war, in my house.  The testosterone is so thick I can almost taste it as I maneuver my way through my house and try to stay out of their way.  They set off for the field at approximately 11:00, decked out in their camouflage, toting guns that look so real that a passerby would think that WAS an assault rifle my husband was carrying.

At a little after 5, Jason and his merry band of warriors comes swaggering back through my front door, dirty, tired, and as elated as can be.  Upon entry they shared with me a story that I will now pass along to you.  You know how I just said that these guns look REAL, well, they look so real that a couple of “civies” stumbled upon their weapons cash at the field where they play and became concerned, so they did what most folks would do, THEY CALLED THE COPS.

Legend has it that the group was out in the field, in the middle of the game, when Jason and some others noticed a helicopter overhead.  This didn’t alarm anyone, as they play near a major (for this area) highway and the State Police frequently look for speeders in the same area.  But soon the chopper began to fly in a tighter circle over their playing field and finally dropped its altitude until it was too close to the ground to be looking for speeders.  Jason and Spencer realized this chopper was for them only seconds before the trooper came over the PA system instructing them all to put their weapons down and stay where they were!  Now, some of the people that play in my husband’s group are young, like, teenager young,and many of them were scared.  Of course, my husband and his brother found this to be very amusing.  And that’s when the cruisers showed up, 4 or 5 driving up a public bike path with lights flashing, a combination of both borough and state police, in full response gear that included shotguns!  The merry band of warriors got to know some of PA’s Finest (God they need to invent a sarcasm font) while they checked every one of their guns (most of them have 2 or 3) to make sure none of the guns were actually real.  Once their inspection was over, they were bid a good day and politely asked to check in with the borough office the next time they play so that thousands of taxpayer dollars valuable police resources weren’t wasted on responding to their non threatening war games.

Hoorah from Mandyland,

The Queen

Who am I again? February 3, 2010

Name 3 super heroes girlfriends that have red hair.

In most ways, my son is a typical 3 year old boy.  He sings the alphabet song, counts to 10, and thinks potty humor is HILARIOUS.  He’s good at Connect Four, likes playing play doh,  puts stickers on everything, and he makes a mean Sharpie tattoo.  Thaylin also worships his father,  which couldn’t make me happier (most of the time).  They have a lot in common.  They both love Star Wars, all things Marvel, boobies, and snacks (not necessarily in that order).

Much like his father, my dear child also has a very active and very healthy imagination.  Thaylin has become quite the accomplished actor at the tender age of 3.  This kid has taken on roles that some of Hollywood’s A list would kill for.  I’ve seen him shoot webs at Venom, as Spiderman.  He has defeated his Sith foes as Obi Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, and almost every other Jedi.  There have been fierce battles between Wolverine (daddy) and the Incredible Hulk that have made the house shake.

As my eternal punishment Since I am the only girl in the house, I always have to be the Hero’s girlfriend.  As you can imagine, I’ve had my share of quality roles.  Betty Ross – yep, Padme Amidala – check, Princess Leia- she was my first.  But it’s the redheads he likes the most.  He likes Pepper Pots and Jean Gray well enough, but I spend more time with my son as Mary Jane Watson than I do as Mommy!  I’m not sure if he wants me to be her or her to be me.  Either way, I indulge him in this peculiar behavior imaginative play.  I have been known to give into requests to dye my hair red to keep my Mary Jane persona alive.  I’m pretty sure that if I grew it longer I’d be his best girl forever.

For the last few weeks he has been pretending to be someone else from the time he wakes up in the morning to the time we close the door at night.  There have been so many different scenerios, that I’ve had trouble remembering who I’m supposed to be.  And don’t get me wrong, I like that Aniken loves Padme, and it’s sweet that Spidey has to have one more kiss before he can go to sleep, but sometimes, Mommy just wants to hold Thaylin.  I rarely get to be just Mommy.  Lately I have started feeling like I haven’t given my son the tools he needs to express his feelings the right way.

But then I’m reminded that he’s a 3 year old little boy and he’ll learn, (well, as much as most men ever learn).  My husband is quick to point out that he always has to play the bad guy.  My character gets all of the love while he gets his butt kicked and occasionally kicked in the nuts .  So, I guess it’s not so bad pretending to be someone else for awhile.  Not every girl gets to be Spidey’s girl

What is your favorite thing to do with your kid, or rather, what is your kids’ favorite thing to do with you?

Swinging from my web in Mandyland,

The Queen

Maybe one of them will be a tattoo artist… January 31, 2010

Last night our good friends the Starrs came over for dinner.  Little Starr is Thaylin’s Best Girl.  They spend all day together at preschool and often play together in the evenings and on weekends.  Momma Starr is one of my best girl’s.  We spend all day together at work, and often, well, she’s Little Starr’s mom, so you get the idea.  This week was a rough one at work (no exception, most of them are) and I asked Momma Starr to bring a bottle of wine over to have as with dinner.  After dinner we send the crazy, screaming children up to Thaylin’s playroom while we bitch about work relax.  Jason even finds P!nk’s Funhouse Tour on TV for us to watch.  All is well, then I realize that I hadn’t heard the kids for some time (and neither of these two would ever be described as quiet).  I alert Momma Starr and Jason to this little nugget of information, but shoulders get shrugged and more wine is poured.  Ten minutes later the total lack of any noise from upstairs has sent up my red flag.  As I reach the top of the stairs, I know what I’m about to find IS NOT going to be pretty.  First, the blankets from my bed are laying in the hall and there are a bunch of shushing noises coming from my bedroom.  Second, I hear the water running in the bathroom sink.  I address the bathroom first.  Not only is the water running (with a toothbrush & cup floating in the sink), but there is enough toilet paper in the toilet to wipe FIVE asses.  Oh Dear God.

I move on to assess the children.  This is what I found.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

Sweet Mother of God, That's SHARPIE!!

Remember when I said it was just too quiet upstairs, yeah, that’s because it takes A LOT of concentration for a 3 yr old to draw on every exposed (and unexposed) body part of their best friend.  What you see in the pictures doesn’t do it justice.  They both had on their chests and bellies (paying particular attention to the belly buttons) on their backs and disturbingly enough, they both had Sharpie IN THEIR BUTT CRACKS!!!!  Hilarious right?  You should have SEEN them giggling and carrying on.  Did I mention that Momma Starr and I had been drinking wine?  I couldn’t help it, I laughed.  What was I supposed to do?  I went downstairs to inform the other parental units in the house what had happened.  My husband was less than thrilled.  Momma Starr looked at me for a moment, as if she was waiting for the punchline.  She didn’t realize that when I said, “you’ve GOT to see this” that THAT WAS the punchline.

We tried to get the worst of it off with rubbing alcohol, but eventually into the bathtub they went.  You want to know something, Sharpie DOESN’T come off with soap and water.  I scrubbed and scrubbed but to no avail.  My kid is STILL covered in red squiggles, including the ones on his butt and in his butt crack, but luckily I was able to get the scribble that looked like a bleeding bullet hole off of his forehead.  I think they’re going to have to be grounded from each other for awhile.  Well, at least until Monday.

Happy Weekend from Mandyland,

The Queen

Tell me that doesn't look like a bleeding bullet hole!!

Oh Holy Day January 24, 2010

Ten years ago, I fell in lust with the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.  He was big, tattooed, and had the smoothest shaved head (and face) I had ever felt.  And he has always known that the fastest way to get me where he wants me is to present me with a freshly shaved head (face included).  Jason is the hottest bald man on the planet!

Much to my dismay, last year Jason started growing a beard in the fall, though it was called an experiment to see if his alopecia had cleared.  Let me let you in on a little secret, he’s a hairy guy, you can see if there are any bald spots anywhere on his head after 24 hours of growth.  But The Beard didn’t last long; after a few weeks, maybe two months, he had shaved it off, not to be seen again for a long time.  But that time wasn’t long enough.  This year (fall 2009) he started growing The Beard in late September and refused to groom it.  He kept his cheeks shaved and all, but he wanted it to get long.  This resulted in a bushy, mountain man type beard that made him look like a crazy homeless guy, gave me the heebees and scared Thaylin a bit as well.  The Beard had actually taken on it’s own identity this time.  The only other man in my life that has (always) had a beard is my dad, but that’s how I met him, I’m used to it.  Beards remind me of my dad.  I do not find it sexy in any way, shape, or form.    Needless to say, there is a definite lack of sexy time in our house when The Beard comes to town.

Captain Crazy & The Beard

I’ve been lobbying for the beard’s eviction from this house for MONTHS.  I even got Thaylin in on it.  We made it no secret to Daddy that we, most certainly, did NOT like The Beard.  I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that The Beard was staying until Spring.  Staying until it was too warm to wear it anymore.  I missed The Face.  I longed for The Face.  He still kept his head shaved, and that was good, but The Beard had taken over The Face.

Imagine my arousal delight, when he emerged from the shower this morning and greeted Thaylin and I in the kitchen with The Face.  I am pretty sure I squealed.  I’m definitely sure certain parts of me started to tingle.  The Face!!  It was BACK!!!  I could not STOP kissing The Face.  Thaylin did a dance and started to sing.  Oh glorious day Daddy’s home (and mama’s been a naughty girl).  The man I met, all those years ago, has returned to me.  He looks so much younger.  I can’t stop staring at him.  He knows just how to get me where he wants me.  It works every time.

Sweet Dreams from Mandyland,

The (extremely happy) Queen

Thaylin cheered for The Face's return.

The Incident January 23, 2010

I was so excited about Friday Fun Night.  I had planned on eating INSIDE the McDonalds tonight (classy, I know) and then heading across the bridge to Treasure Castle Playland with the Starrs.  I was hoping for Thaylin to burn off all the excess energy he has and FOR ONCE allow me to sleep past 6:30.  I had it all planned out, and sent him into school with a bug in his ear of a Happy Meal and a special good surprise for a Green Light, Great Listening Ears day.

Nope, not even close.  All of MY dreams of salvaging a totally shitty day for ME,  were dashed at approximately 4:15, when I called the school to inquire about his aforementioned light and day.

You see, not Only did he talk back, not Only did he hit his friends, but he dropped trou TWICE during organized activities!!!  One of those times, was actually, during a game of musical chairs!!   He wasn’t interested in the game, apparently, so instead of walking around in a circle, around the chairs like the rest of the kids, mine stops the circle (or steps out, I’m speculating, wasn’t there) and pulls his pants down and shows the entire class, his WIENIS!!!  I could picture it all in my head, as he has whipped it out here on more than one occasion.  I do not remember clearly how the other incident went down, because, by the time I had heard the end of that story, I was seeing red!

I knew that I had to stress to this child that it is NOT acceptable to just drop your pants whenever you want, wherever you want and let the whole world behold your nudey beauty; plus I was disappointed.  I had a fun night planned for us and he just couldn’t keep his pants on.  So his punishment was swift and hard; straight home and there was to be no Happy Meal, no special surprises or treats, and no movies either.  I think he got the general idea.

You know, I was really hoping that I wouldn’t have to worry about him exposing himself to the general public, for like, another 10 years.  I’m sure most kids do it once or twice,  however, I can’t help but think it’s all a foreshadowing of things to come.  I knew a girl like that once……

All I have to say is…….thank God he wasn’t a girl!!

Good night from Mandyland,

The Queen

P.S.  He got to sit on a chair for the remainder of the game after The Incident.   I think he may have actually won musical chairs due to a technicality.  He was the last kid on a chair at the end of the game…..